Are You Having Enough Sex ? ? ?

Once you get past the early days of your relationship (meeting through a fabulous internet dating site, going out the first few exhilarating times, etc.), people in relationships have this terrible habit of going from thinking that everything is perfect to looking for things to be wrong. And can you blame them?

The only reason we’re involved in a new love affair in the first place is because, undoubtedly, we had one that previously went wrong. After enough failed relationships, our brains kind of get programmed for eventual disappointment. We have to recommit ourselves with every new first kiss to the mission of optimism; we can’t let our sads from the past keep us from believing in the possibility of a happy future.

One of the most common ways in which couples start the cycle of self-doubt is by questioning the health of their sex life. Maybe you go on vacation with another couple and realize that, despite all the time they’ve been together, they go at it all the time.

Never mind that it might be because they just made up from a big fight, or that’s just how they get on vacation, or maybe that’s the only area in which their relationship really works…the truth is, you can never really know what is happening inside anyone else’s bedroom.

Believe me, every couple is messed up and awesome in their own ways. Regardless, if you’re having thoughts that maybe you and your beloved aren’t getting down and dirty as often as you should, there are a few things to think about:

Consider: How much sex were you having?

Every couple is different. This is especially true when talking about sexual habits and frequency. If you judge your relationship against every other one around you, you’re going to drive yourself crazy and possibly sabotage a good thing with someone. The one couple you are allowed to compare you pairing with is yourselves in the past.

Remembering where you were is a great way to judge where you are now. On the subject of sex, looking back at romps-gone-by is a good test of your bedroom health today. Did you used to get frisky like bunnies at any given chance but now it’s a more rare occurrence? You might have a problem to get to the bottom of.

Keep in mind, however, that pretty much all couples see a post-beginning decline in oh-my-god-I’ve-got-to-have-you-right-now-ness. It’s a bummer but it’s an almost universal occurrence. I mean, at some point, you might stop feeling the overwhelming urge to get busy in the coat room at a restaurant. That’s nothing to worry about; you’re just settling into the next phase of your relationship.

That said, the next phase should be as sexually satisfying as the first. If it’s not, you should probably dissect your union and get to the bottom of things.

Consider: Are you both happy?

What’s up with so many people being concerned about the facts and figures of this super primal activity? Sex is not like accounting. It’s not like filing your taxes. You don’t have to necessarily weigh the numbers and dates and keep score. The bottom line is, are you feeling happy and fulfilled? Are you getting down and getting off enough to keep you both feeling great? If the answer for both of you is ‘yes’, then stop your worrying right there. Whether that means you’re doing the horizontal mambo 2 or 10 times a week, it’s all the same.

If the answer for one or both of you is ‘hell no!’, then you need to figure out why. Often, the reason couples hit a sexy slump is because they get too comfortable. When something isn’t new and exciting, we’re less inclined to go for it whenever we can. Getting physical can become (shudder) routine for a lot of people.

But don’t worry! This isn’t a reason to dump your sweetie and move on to something hot and new with someone else. It is my devoted opinion that there is always uncharted sexual territory to cover. Next time you and your love are having sexy times, try a little, “hey, you know what I’ve always wanted to do?” And then go for it.

Mixing things up, even in small ways, will remind both of you that you don’t have it all figured out yet. There’s still a big, sexy frontier out there. So why worry about keeping up with the Bones’ in terms of how much you’re doing it? You’d be much better served by concentrating on making your unique sexual relationship as thrilling and fulfilling as possible.